For those of you who know me, and I mean really really know me ( like having had the pleasure of me “biOtching out” on a softball field or maybe giving you my unsolicited opinion in the office about the “right way” to achieve goals) you know that I appreciate perfection in others and even more-so DEMAND it out of myself.
This standard goes back at least as far as Kindergarten when, without even knowing what it was, I wanted to be the first “Star of the Week” (which I did get in tandem with my lifelong friend, Kyle). In Jr. High, I was never going to settle for just playing in the “Concert Band,” I needed to be in the “Wildcat Band” and, of course, First Chair at that. In college, I was not satisfied with just being in the top 10 in record books, I wanted to be number 1 on every list (which holding 6 #1 spots does put me at the most in PLNU History, as well as being #1 with most total over all appearances in the books). In my last job, I was never satisfied with success and after taking home 3 National Awards (Tenacity and Innovator of the Year x2) in the 4 years I was with the company, while crushing property numbers year after year, I would say I could put a check mark there too.
….Stay with me, this is not the Leslie is Great Show, it does, in fact have a point…
In every aspect of my life, settling has NEVER been a part of my vocabulary. Whether it was school, sports, sales, and even the saxophone for Heaven’s Sake, I not only WANTED to be the best, but I HAD (and still HAVE) to be the best, and would do whatever it takes to get there. Up until last night, I never recognized the one incredibly glaring aspect of my life where, not only do I not demand the best, but end up compromising beyond the point of rationalization. What is even worse, is that it is in THE NUMBER ONE most important segment of life- a partner.
I took a long look in the mirror last night and was borderline disgusted with what I have allowed myself to put up with when it comes to what should be my LIFE TEAMMATE. If I allowed the kind of deficiencies on the field or in the business world that I have sadly welcomed in my relationships then I can honestly say I would be looking back at exactly 0 personal achievements in my life.
Looking back in my 15 years of having “real relationships” I have allowed abuse of every kind, but most damagingly was both the emotional and even yes, physical. I have put myself at health risks by enduring what should have been deal breaker type of STDs (and am incredibly lucky to have walked away unscathed). I have rationalized cheating and lying. I have let people put in 50% effort while I made up the deficit. It became crystal clear that I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of in every single way.
The first, and most obvious question to myself was, Why? Why have I allowed this to go on for so long? I have always thought of myself as a “strong and independent woman,” but clearly with the evidence above, this is not the case. The only answer I can come up with is fear. Whether it is fear of being alone, fear of not being able to make ends meet or fear of not being loved, there is a confidence issue that exists in this aspect of my life that does not appear anywhere else.
It occurred to me that in so many instances this fear has led me to give far more than I was receiving. Why should anyone ever give their best to settle for enduring someone else’s worst? Again, don’t misunderstand, I am FAR from perfect in any sense of the term and have, in some instances, certainly been guilty of taking more than I was willing to put in at the time. I do think however, in the overall grand picture of those 15 years, that I have let fear drive me to be the “settler” far too often…and that changes NOW.
So why am I putting this out there for the world to see on what leans to being a more professional blog? The answer is two fold:
1.) Passing along the lesson with hopes of helping others.
I am sure that I am not alone in what I am going through and maybe this might impact someone who reads it, causing a change for the better in their own life. It’s time to take a good hard look in the mirror and find out if you are truly getting what you DESERVE because NO ONE should settle for less than the absolute most in a LIFE LONG PARTNERSHIP.
2.) Accountability.
It is a running joke with my friends and family that with relationships, I dive directly into the pool, jumping head first with no regard for the consequences. Putting it in softball terms, it would be a little like deciding to pitch the National Championship game the first day of the season. Without practice, mental preparation, conditioning, strength training, learning the opposing team, bonding with my own team, mastering my arsenal of pitches..etc… I would have NO chance to win that game. So why in the world would I consider doing it that way with the number one most important aspect in life? So dumb.
So what I am asking those of you in my day to day, and even in my not so day to day life (if you are reading this we are connected in some intimate way), is for holding me accountable during the next go around in my quest for a partner. I obviously need guidance paired with questioning to help me in making better and healthier decisions for myself. The next time I get all amped up about having finally found “The One,” I truly want some cement poured at my feet so that I don’t end up soaking wet.
Thank you for being a part of this very candid journey. I appreciate you.